T-36 hours to Beta

So, I still have not peed on a stick, and I am 10 days past my 5 day transfer. In short, I am going crazy and although I know there are worse things to go through than IVF, I still wish us infertiles could just get pregnant the good old fashioned way.

I was doing ok, thinking positively and all that stuff and then for some bizarre reason yesterday I lost my mind. I basically told my family I wasn't feeling well and asked hubs to play with little dude while I went upstairs to our room to lie down. We have a tv in our room and I put it on TLC, hoping for Say Yes to the Dress. It wasn't on, but Hoarders was. I have never watched that show. I sat riveted for an hour. As I was watching it, I could feel my anxiety level rising. I am a super anal type A personality. I secretly enjoy the fact that my house is the neatest and most organized of all my friends. My brothers think I have a sickness, but hey. I like a clean and organized house.

So, back to Hoarders. As I was watching it, I could actually feel my anxiety level rise. But, instead of going downstairs and convincing my mom to go see Bridesmaids with me, I continued watching it. It was sick. I have never seen people so attached to mountains of stuff. I am the girl who cleans her closet out twice a year. And then, somewhere in my anxiety infused state, I convinced myself my period was coming.

I turned the tv off after Hoarders (my own real life nightmare) and started crying my eyes out. My Mom came in my room to check on me and promptly alerted hubs that I was in melt-down mode. Hubs promptly convinced me to go for a drive with him. I was a blubbering mess while trying to explain that I was going to get my period. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: I'm getting my period, I know it.

Hubs: How do you know?

Me: I don't know, I just feel it.

Hubs: Like, how? Are you crampy or whatever? What happens when you get your period?

Me: Well, I usually get cramps and a pain in the small of my back and then I start to spot and then I get me period.

Hubs: Ok. So is anything like that happening?

Me: No! But I know it's coming!!!

Hubs: What's wrong?

Me: I'm scared. All that money and effort and it hasn't worked.

Hubs: So what? What can we do? We gave it our best shot. It's beyond our control at this point. We did all that we could and that's the end of it.

And just like that, I was ok.

When I went to bed last night, I felt the AF like cramps and talked myself off the ledge. This morning I was what you would call a cramp festival. I really felt like this was it, my period was coming. I went to the bathroom, and discovered that I was constipated! When I finally did go, I wiped and there was something sort of like spotting, but then it hasn't shown up for the rest of the day. Also, after the bm, there was no cramping or back ache...and it's now 8pm. So, I think the cramps were just constipation? Could that really be?

Who knows what any of this means. I have felt very tired and moody. And I have had some pretty messed up dreams. I broke down at work today and started crying, but then promptly got my shit together because I was at work, not in my room watching Hoarders.

Ultimately, I have decided not to pee on a stick. While this decision is driving me crazy, I just think at this point in the game another 24 hours won't kill me. It will drive me crazy but I can't bear to look at a HPT. I just want the phone call from Nurse L or Nurse M giving me good news or bad news. And then I will face another day on this planet, feeling like I won the lottery or knowing that I will have another brick wall to get over.