Welcome, ICLW! If you are stopping here for the first time, please read my last post for my infertility history and my TTC journey.
I think I've had what the Mighty Opes (Oprah) would call an "aha" moment. I was searching through something on the internet and a post that another blogger has written about was the book Conversations with God really hit home with me. Basically, the thought was that there's enough for me right now.
I'm the kind of person who loves change. But I think right now that God is telling me to Let it Be. To stay still. To live in this moment. I've changed jobs 5 times since I graduated from universtiy in 1997. I was only a classroom teacher for 4 years before appyling to and being chosen to work out of the Board Office. And where I felt best about myself was when I was in the classroom. So, why did I leave? Because I always want more. I need to go back. God has told me this by denying me the facilitator job that I interviewed for twice (it's a promotion) I have chosen to ignore him and have been unhappy ever since.
I am currently preparing for my 9th move in 10 years. Yes, you read that right. My husband and I have bought a house that will be built in March of 2011 even though we just closed on one in April of 2010. We are moving into the one we closed on in April but are only unpacking the bare necesseties, staging it and selling it. I should mention that we've been buying and flipping but I need to stop it for my own sanity. The goal was that after #2 came, I could stay at home or just go back part time. At what cost? Our health? Our sanity?
My health is a disaster. I weigh the most I've ever weighed. I was the skinny girl in high school so this fat mid-thirties version of myself is not cutting it for me. Don't get me wrong, I love my curves, but I am 50 pounds heavier than I was when I met my husband in 1998. I have to stop saying that I am going to do something about it and like the Nike ad I have to Just Do It! I hardly ever make time for myself. And I've been a crappy friend. I've basically shut out so many of my friends because I didn't want them to know about this struggle when I should have let them in.
The last year and a half has been all about my obsession with getting pregnant. I go for a Beta test next Saturday. If it is negative, I think I am at the point where I have to let go of the dream/vision of another child that is biologically ours. It's either the greulling regiment of more IUI injections, IVF or it's adoption. And I have to move on. I have to start living in the now. I have to stop hugging my son and thinking how much I want a little brother or sister for him. I have to just hug him and enjoy that.
Sorry if this post is long and I don't want to offend/upset anyone but I have to be a little selfish.
Quads turn 2!
6 years ago
Sometimes it is so hard not to look at what "could" be and think it might be better! Unlike you, I hate change (can't imagine moving that many times...) but I also never seem to be happy with what I have...I just wallow in it and feel bad. So maybe your way is better?
ReplyDeleteI really hope your beta is positive!
Life sucks sometimes, doesn't it? You should get back into the classroom, it's so fun! This is my first year teaching and I can't wait to get started. But like you, I like change, and I really hope that I don't get burned out in a few years and want to move one, do something different. I have a feeling that I'm going to be a grade hopper, never teaching the same grade for more than a few years, but who knows.
ReplyDeleteInfertility is possibly the suckiest thing in the world. When I first discovered it wasn't going to be easy for me to create a child on my own I was quiet about it. I didn't talk about it, to anyone. But through all of the blogs that I've found on ICLW I've been more open about it. My blog isn't private, anyone who knows me is able to read all about my struggles. But that's it. They can read about it, but I can't talk about it. A few of my friends know, but the only person I openly chat with it about, outside of my husband is my cousin Ally who also has PCOS so she totally gets it. I haven't gotten to a place yet where I can be open with it, so I've shut people out too. I don't want to be the friend that they have to shelter their comments from, who they don't invite over because of their kiddos. It stinks! So I understand what it feels like. It's a harsh reality that we live in and its unfair and it makes our lives super lame. Why oh why can't we be normal and stress about normal people things.
Hug your son extra tight and just always remember to savor the moment. Live in the here and now, and don't worry about the future.
Enjoy your new house. I hope this made sense, I know it was a long rant- but I just want to help.
I can relate to that need for change - I get bored easily with my life and always need to be on the move. Whether it's something like rearranging the furniture or changing my college major - I'm never satisfied with what I have. I always want something different. Not necessarily more, just different. It made it very difficult to have boyfriends in my younger years ;) Luckily, that's one spot where I've learned to be happy with what I already have!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you seem to have figured out some things that you can do in order to be happier with your life. And however your beta works out on saturday (of course I hope it's positive!), I definitely hope that you can finally find some peace.
Best of luck to you, and happy ICLW!
Hi from ICLW! I hear you on the change in life. I haven't had too much change in housing, but I've done so many different teaching jobs and schools. It probably looks like I'm not committed to staying in one place for any length of time, when really, it's the opposite. I'd stay at one job if someone kept me permanently. It's tough out there. Good luck staying in one place.
ReplyDelete