Anxiety Ridden

Sorry for the delays in posting. Work has been mental this week and having no internet at home hasn't helped. We finally got the internet hooked up at my in laws and it looks like I will be back to blogging!

Not much new is going on, we have settled in here and it's been pretty good. On Monday night, I sort of had a little scare: almost spotting. I call it almost spotting because it was just that - I wiped and there were spots like the size of about 6 pinheads that were brown in colour. I told hubs and he reminded me that the same thing happened when I was pregnant with little dude. We googled it, and decided if it continued or got worse we would call the clinic. It happened again on Thursday night but nothing after that. Again, this happened last time so I am just hoping for the best.

I think the thing that is the most surprising with this pregnancy is how much anxiety I have. When we were struggling with infterility I thought if I could just get pregnant I would be fine, like a monkey would be off my back. But that's not the case...I am absolutely terrified that something can or will go wrong. And this sort of thinking is new to me. I know others feel this way...is this normal? I have been trying to do some meditating where I repeat positive phrases to myself and it has helped somewhat. Prayer also gives me a lot of peace.

Thursday morning at 10:30 is my first ultra sound. I have been telling people who know about the pregnancy that I will feel so much better once I have seen the heart beat. They look at me like I am sort of crazy, but it's the truth. I am also feeling very guilty that my head is in this pregnancy so much and not in my relationship with hubs or little dude. I feel like an island and I am really going to try to make the most of things. My mother in law and I were talking about this stuff this morning and she advised me that in her opinion, I have done everything I can to get pregnant and to just surrender and accept whatever is going to happen as God's will and to remember that my life is very blessed.

It's a rainy day in Toronto so little dude and I are going to snuggle and watch Aladdin and then later tonight I am off to see Bridesmaids with a girlfriend. I hope everyone else is doing well...